NEWSFLASH: Print Dead At 1,803

By  //  July 30, 2013

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born in China in the third century

The paper-based textual medium passed away early today, sources say.

The paper-based textual medium passed away early today, sources say.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Following is an excerpt of a parody about the exponential demise of the newspaper industry which appeared on theonion.com last week. It parodies “traditional” newspapers with stories, editorials, op-ed pieces and man-in-the-street interviews, using a traditional newspaper layout and an editorial voice modeled after that of the Associated Press.

NEW YORK – Sources close to print, the method of applying ink to paper in order to convey information to a mass audience, have confirmed that the declining medium passed away early Thursday morning.

Printing press from 1811, photographed in Munich, Germany. (wikipedia.org image)

Printing press from 1811, photographed in Munich, Germany. (wikipedia.org image)

The influential means of communication was 1,803.

Print, which had for nearly two millennia worked tirelessly to spread knowledge around the globe in the form of books, newspapers, magazines, pamphlets, and numerous other textual materials, reportedly succumbed to its long battle with ill health, leaving behind legions of readers who had for years benefited from the dissemination of ideas made possible by the advent of printed materials.

Reaction to print’s tragic demise was overwhelming, with countless individuals within the publishing sector left reeling at its death.

“I’m in absolute shock right now,” said Charles Townsend, CEO of Condé Nast Publications, who reportedly worked closely with the beloved medium throughout his career. “I knew that it had been struggling recently, but, still, I thought it had many more happy, healthy years in it. I always hoped it would be around forever, I guess. I loved print.”

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