MARTHA KESSLER: Expressing Grief – Children Who Are Grieving Need Unique Kind of Care

Children are capable of accepting death and expressing grief

BREVARD COUNTY, FLORIDA – VITAS Healthcare has more than 40 years of knowledge that allows us to recognize and help those who are experiencing a difficult bereavement.

Hospice professionals understand that the holidays are particularly difficult for those who have lost a loved one. 

We know children process grief differently than adults. Children who are grieving need a unique kind of care.

Expressing grief

Children are capable of accepting death and expressing grief. A child’s grief, however, may be intermittent and extend over longer periods than adult grief.

Keep these suggestions in mind to help a child you love work through grief: 

• Allow children to express grief in their own way and in their own time. 
• Do not pressure children to resume their normal activities if they are not ready. 
• Children’s feelings may emerge through behavior and play, or by not talking or engaging. 
• Children’s normal reactions to death might materialize as “grief bursts” that are followed by play and normal activities. Children may laugh or play at a time that feels inappropriate to an adult. 

Intense in the first year

Holidays and special anniversaries can be difficult for children, especially in the first year after someone close to them has died. Holidays can be a yin-yang reminder of both the loss and pleasant memories of a loved one who is no longer here.

Children may relive very intensely the last days of their loved one’s life, particularly as the first anniversary of the person’s death approaches.

They might need extra reassurance and support. Adults can help by sharing their own feelings about the anniversary and special memories of the person who died.

Plan ahead

Often, the anticipation of a holiday is worse than the holiday itself. An adult who can plan in advance can make a holiday more tolerable.

Let a bereaved child know that they might experience some painful feelings during the holidays and that you are available to listen and help.

Keep the lines of communication open. Hugging and touching help the grieving child feel secure in expressing emotions.

New traditions

Consider altering long-time holiday rituals and expectations, or creating new ones.

Traditions can be comforting, but they can also underscore the loss of someone who seemed integral to the event: Grandpa always cut the turkey, Mom always lit the candles.

Mother’s Day or Father’s Day can be particularly difficult for a child who has lost a parent. A child may decide to take a “substitute mother” to a Mother’s Day banquet or another male family member to a father-daughter dance.

If a child you love feels the need to commemorate a deceased loved one:

• Offer to take them on a visit to the cemetery or a special place that brings back positive memories of their parent.
• Remember and celebrate other special days by giving gifts, sharing memories or developing special rituals.

Martha Kessler is the patient care administrator for VITAS Healthcare in Brevard County. For more information about end-of-life care options, call VITAS Healthcare at 866-759-6695 or visit VITAS.com

VITAS Healthcare’s professional grief and bereavement services are available to the community at no cost. For information about end-of-life care services, including grief care, call VITAS at 321.339.2893 or visit VITAS.com.

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