Secrets of Happy Couples

By  //  February 26, 2020

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Books, weekend seminars, and family psychotherapy do not guarantee absolute protection from problems in relationships.

Books, weekend seminars, and family psychotherapy do not guarantee absolute protection from problems in relationships.

However, the course of relations can be changed – for this, it is enough to find out how happy couples differ from unfortunate ones.

Minor changes in your relationship over time will lead to noticeable results. The main thing is to support positive changes and not slide into old destructive models.

Is there a noticeable difference between couples whose relationships strengthen with time and the rest? The first hunch is that happy couples put a lot of effort into relationships to work.

But everything turned out to be wrong. There was only one difference – such couples devote to each other just an additional six hours a week. What exactly do they make it?

The formula for dating a European girl includes six elements.

1. Day plans

Happy spouses try to find out about their partner’s plans before saying goodbye in the morning. This may include a dinner with a best friend, an appointment with a doctor, or a scheduled call to parents. The goal is to ask a question and find out what is good and is not and what is waiting for your partner on this day.

The time needed: 10 minutes a week (2 minutes a day, 5 days a week).

2. Meeting after work

When you meet at the end of the day, hug and kiss your partner for at least six seconds. Psychology professor John Gottman calls this a “kiss of opportunity.” A six-second kiss is a ritual of unity for which you want to come home.

After the kiss, discuss how the day went. At this time, you can pay attention to each other and establish non-sexual intimacy. It will also help you learn about the problems that everyone faces outside of relationships.

Required time: 1 hour 40 minutes a week (20 minutes a day, 5 days a week).

3. Recognition

It’s important to find ways to express how you love and value your partner. For example, lead a journal of admiration. It helps to notice small pleasant deeds and connect them with the qualities of a partner that you like.

First, your partner feels appreciated. Secondly, it encourages you to look for positive traits in your partner, rather than focus on the negative. For example: “Thank you for helping to wash the dishes last night. Thanks to this, I completed the working draft. You are so kind and attentive. ”

The time needed: 35 minutes a week (5 minutes a day, 7 days a week).

4. Attraction

To keep in touch with each other, it’s important to demonstrate physical attraction when you are around. Be sure to touch each other before falling asleep.

There are enough hugs for a few minutes or a kiss for the night. Think of such moments as a way to relieve the stress that has accumulated over the day. Put a kiss on the partner and tenderness to forgive him if you are in a quarrel.

The time needed: 35 minutes a week (5 minutes a day, 7 days a week).

5. Dates

It is important to set aside time just for you two – in a romantic and relaxed atmosphere. As you date, ask questions and focus on each other. Think about questions that you can ask, for example, “Where would you like to spend your vacation?” or “How are you doing with your boss?”

Required time: 2 hours once a week.

6. Discussions

John Gottman’s research showed that one hour a week spent discussing critical issues in a relationship changes the way a couple resolves conflicts. Because such conversations allow partners to express their fears and feelings. Thanks to them, they feel that they are loved and listened to and not rejected.

We suggest turning the conversation into a ritual and doing it every week at the same time. This time is sacred as it transforms relationships. However, the conversation may be uncomfortable.

Here is what you need to do. Start with what has improved in relationships since your last meeting. Next, note the five positive points associated with your partner that you have not talked about before. Speak as clearly as possible and give examples. Now discuss the difficulties that have arisen in the relationship.

To make the dialogue more effective, switch places – speak and listen in turn. When you speak, express yourself gently so as not to offend your partner. When listening, try to understand what a spouse is worried about; do not blame them. If you are overwhelmed with emotions, take a break for 20 minutes, and then continue.

When both partners felt that they were heard and understood, you can proceed to a constructive solution to the problem. At the end of the conversation, each partner should ask another, “What can I do to make you feel loved this week?”

The time needed: 1 hour per week.


As you can see, this is not much. If you sleep 8 hours a day, this is only 5% of the waking time.